When your partner does not want to go to couple’s therapy
In my time working with couples, there have been several instances where a couple shows up for their intake and it is very apparent which person made the appointment, and which person desperately wants to be anywhere else. While clients will not always be excited at the thought of therapy (because let’s face it, sometimes we talk about really difficult things), as a therapist I am looking to make sure each person is at least willing and has made the decision to be here.
So what do you do when you think couple’s therapy would be a helpful next step, but your partner disagrees?
Keep in mind that therapy really works best when each client is a willing participant.
I don’t say this to discourage you, but to set you free from the idea that it is your job to convince your partner that therapy is the way to go. Even if you drag them into the intake, their heart will likely not be in it, even if they are physically there.
Be curious.
I know that even making the decision to look into couple’s therapy means you care very much about your relationship. So hearing a “no” from your partner is frustrating and can bring up a lot of emotions. Resist the urge to grill your partner about why they don’t want to do couple’s therapy. Instead, sit down and have a conversation with them with the ultimate goal of understanding their perspective. Do they have any fears about couples therapy? Maybe they have some legitimate concerns, and in that moment validating their feelings might do more than trying to convince them. Then, when both of you feel that you adequately understand where they are coming from, switch places. Now you can share your concerns about not doing couple’s therapy and give them a chance to support you and validate your feelings, even if they do not agree.
Try to find some middle ground.
Before we get to solutions, like couple’s therapy, do you both even agree on what the problem is? Even if you both have different ideas of how to “fix” the issue, being in agreement of the aspects of your relationship that you want to work on is a great step.
Consider a free consult
If your partner is apprehensive about therapy, but willing to learn more, sign up for a free 20 minute consult. In this consult, you can learn more about your therapist, share some things about your relationship that you want them to know, and ask them about how they have worked with couples in your situation before. I would encourage you and your partner to sit down together beforehand and come up with a list of questions that reflects both of you and your questions/concerns.
You can also browse the couple’s therapy page of my website together to learn more about how I work with couples.
Consider individual relationship therapy
Sometimes clients benefit from processing aspects of their relationship on their own. Individual relationship therapy is not a substitute for couple’s therapy; rather, it offers its own benefits of processing, self-reflection, and learning, and also helps clients to identify their own needs in their relationship. You can learn more about individual relationship therapy on my individual therapy page here.
